There was a story told in the first season of West Wing which I blatantly steal right now, “there was a pious man who lived in a small town that was about to be flooded. The local news anchor implored everyone to leave. The man refused, ’I’m a Christian man, God loves me, God will protect me.’ A great storm ensues and the town begins to flood. A man in a canoe stops at the pious man’s house and yells out ’the town in flooding! Come into my canoe and I’ll take you to safety’ The pious man refuses, stating, “I’m a good Christian, God loves me, God will protect me.’ And the man in the canoe rows to safety. The storm pushes the pious man to his rooftop. A team in a helicopter finds the man on his roof and shout down, ’the town is flooding, let us carry you to safety!’ The pious man again refuses stating, ’I’m a good Christian, God loves, God will protect me.’ The helicopter leaves him to save others, The storm worsens and eventually the flooding overtakes the pious man’s house and he dies. In heaven the pious man finds his way to God and yells ’I’m a good Christian, I thought You loved me, I thought You would protect me’ God looks at the man and says ‘I sent you a news report, a guy in a canoe, and a helicopter, what the hell are you doing here?!?”
To be fair, I don’t believe in God and unless smoking weed is a way of praising the lord I’m far from pious. It’s the taking destiny into your own hands part that intrigues me about that story. I don’t believe in predestination, but taking advantage of the coincidences of life is the only way to succeed. That’s the entire premise How I Met Your Mother was born under. Destiny (or in the case of the pious man ’god’) can only get you so far.
Last Friday I was supposed to go to a costume party at a friends house, this means that there would be women there. I’ve always been a huge fan of women, and the worst part about leaving college was the complete lack of women that began. I just can’t seem to find them around anymore. They used to be there everyday. Being great. Not so much anymore. Its’ mostly because I live in the suburbs and rarely attempt to go out to bars around me. It’s my own fault, I understand this, but it doesn’t make the truth any less dreadful. So the idea of getting to go out and seeing women was quite provocative to me. The fate of the Applebee’s I serve at would not allow that to happen as my shift that was supposed to end at 8 lasted till 1 and the party I planned to go to would have to wait another day.
Which is why tonight, it seemed stupid to try to plan to do something after work. With the same shift as last week why expect different results? Then at 9 o’clock I found myself at home with tip money in my wallet. Currently I wore pajama pants because they’re so goddamn comfortable. In a split second I made the decision to text a friend to see if he was doing anything tonight. The text back spoke of video games and the possibility of a bar. I sat in my pajama pants for 3 full minutes with a bowl in my hand. Finally after a long hit, I stood and changed into jeans, a shirt, and a jacket and headed into the night.
Two nights ago at a time when I did in fact get drunk I had made the decision to buy cigarettes and still had some left. I’ve been an off and on smoke for a good part of 7 years but haven’t consistently bought packs since three summers ago. The point is I had cigarettes. I was already driving in my shitty looking Yaris (“the falcon”), and started frantically checking my pockets. Not in jeans. Not in coat pockets. Not in middle console. Not in glove compartment. I was rip shit, I looked around in earnest at the passenger seat for the possibility a lighter might be there. There wasn’t one. I could continue my drive and just not smoke?
Or.
I could go to the next coming Wawa (greatest place on Earth) and buy a lighter!
I decided on the latter and pulled into Wawa. As I pulled in, another car pulled in in front of me and parked right in front of me in a spot. I checked the plates because I don’t know I’m weird I guess. And they were from Kentucky (this PA no duh) . A young woman came out of the driver’s side. Have I mentioned how much I love women. I do. They’re the best. And this woman. Well this young woman. This chick. This girl. This gal. This lady. This dame. Was quite attractive. She was just a very gorgeous girl. Brunette, slight, and just beautiful.. She also looked in distress. She was in the Wawa by the time I got inside and seemed to have asked the guy behind the counter a question. The guy looked perplexed.
I stood in silence, hands in pockets. Determined not to gawk, or try to just jump into their conversation. The guy then looked to me for advice.
“I’m sorry, what’s up?” I asked as if I wasn’t secretly paying attention the whole time. I looked to the girl. I tried to act as if I hadn’t seen her before, but the smile on my lips was hard to hide the glee that I was included.
“Do you know where the closest gas station is. The one across the street is already closed.”
‘Yeah of course.” I replied in great hubris. I say hubris because I don’t know if you know how marijuana likes to work at times. Hours of potheads lives have been wasted looking for a lighter, that was in a pocket that they never thought about putting a lighter into. Because when high they thought, “I’ll put it in this pocket, because it’ll be my new lighter pocket, I’ll always put my lighter in this pocket. At the instant I answered my mind went blank. What was a gas station? The one across the street is closed? There are no other gas stations! Wait! The other Wawa.
“Yeah” thirty seconds had passed since my last words, “Right down the street, at the other Wrwa.”
“Is that within 2 miles” She looked very concerned. Her concerned look was real cute. Anyway.
“Oh yeah definitely. Definitely” I bluffed some more. It wasn’t really a bluff I was pretty confident it was within two miles. “So you take a left out of here go straight through this light, the next light, and a right at the next light. Boom Wawa, can’t miss it” This left her looking happy but still confused..
“Oh my God thank you so much. So I’m sorry can you say it one more time?” She asked.
I walked outside and motioned her to follow so I could point the light to go through, because I was stoned and couldn’t really remember street names. “So you head down this road here through this light, through the next, and then a right at the light after that.”
She looked at me, then at the road I pointed to. “Is it possible that you could just come with me? I’m just kind of freaking out because my GPS took me to a closed gas station already. Please?”
Well I mean I do have a bunch of dudes playing video games waiting for me. Why would I want to take 20 minutes out of my day to help a gorgeous girl?
“Yeah sure, that’s not a problem.” Her faced was looked relieved. Relieved face > concerned face.
We hopped into her car. “I’m sure this exactly what you thought you’d be doing getting into a car with a crazy stranger.”
“Well I’m Finch.”
“I’m Victoria” I want to asker her if she’s heard the Kinks’ song “Victoria“. I stop myself. “See the thing is, I’m not from around here and this isn’t even my car, it’s a rental, and I could tell I was running out of gas and I couldn’t tell how much longer and I clicked a button and the thing said 4 miles.” She pointed to the dashboard which showed 02 miles left. It then clicked down to 01 as she pulled out of her spot. Leaving the falcon behind.
“So take a left out of here, and then straight through the light.” After I finished speaking and she followed the first direction there was a silence. Most people wouldn’t say it was awkward, but I almost always feel awkward. I’m the person who felt bad for teachers who asked questions and NO one answered. Of course not no one, I would answer, like an asshole. Anyway the silence was unbearable for me.
‘So where are you from?”
“Just Collegeville, I never come down here so, I really have no idea where I am“
“Gotcha“
“I wanted to say thank you again. I‘ve just had such a crappy day.” She had the concerned face again. Maybe it’s more concerned face = relieved face. Maybe I’m a moron.
‘No seriously it really isn’t a problem.” of course my head turns to pornography, not her, but just how this situation would unfold in porn. God I wish I could just get a blowjob, Wouldn’t that just be the better way for the universe to work. I know it isn’t but, just once would be a nice change of pace. Never mind. Forget I mentioned it. Seriously. Like I never said it. “now take this right up here and Wawa will be right there.”
‘Good.’ She looks at the Gas gauge again, “Now it says 00, of course it does, that just how this day will go.”
“Nah don’t worry about it, we’ll get there, it’s legit just right there.” Hello, I’m Mr. Reassuring Guy, marriage?
We make it to Wawa and she starts putting gas into the car. Is this the right time to ask for her number? Is there a right time to ask for her number? Maybe she’ll just give me the number out of the goodness of her heart? How did Keanu ask Sandra Bullock for her number at the end of Speed? Since we’re going though pretty much the same situation here. And now she’s back in the car.
“Thank you so much. Like I was really freaking out about getting to a gas station. That would just be exactly what happened you know. Fuck my life.” Well she said that. Anyway. She starts to pull out of the parking lot to a turn right only lane. She then tries to turn left.
“You know you can’t turn left here.” I say
“What?” She responds as she continues to turn left, as the oncoming traffic’s light turns green. So this is how I’ll die. Because a beautiful girl asked for a favor. That fucking serves me right. That would just be exactly what happened you know. Fuck my life… Oh boy I just said that. She keeps turning left until she hit’s the median in the middle of the road. PLOP! Over half. PLOP! Over the other. And she pulls into her lane.
“What just happened?” She asks.
“Yeah. You can’t really turn left there. There’s a big median in the middle of the road, but I mean now you know. So that’s good. You live you learn.” I keep my humor extra dry. She rewards me with a laugh.
“Wow, yeah I’m a terrible driver” yeah no duh you’re woman! Boom! Got her. Just kidding. Women can totally drive. And we’re back. “that’s why I have the rental. My car’s in the shop.” She says. It’s time for a subject change.
“So you feeling ok now?” I ask an opener. Soon we’ll talk about likes and dislikes. Next we’ll see how she feel about guiys who can’t grow facial hair.
“Oh my God, yes. I was freaking out terribly the whole drive. I just can’t wait to get home, and have the day end. My dog’s probably going ape shit at home” She says,
“You have a dog? What kind?” I ask. I love dogs, they’re the only animal that understands pointing. Respect.
“Half Rotwier half lab, he’s great.” She says.
“I used to be a dog walker around here.” I say. I was, I also had three days experience as a Bell Hop wanna hear the rest of my resume, life story, hopes, dreams?
“Oh yeah? So what do you do?” She asks. She’s much better at conversing then I am, but that shouldn’t be surprising..
“I’m actor, but I also work at the Applebees as a waiter.” I answer. She doesn’t say anything. Almost everyone says something about me being an actor. It’s the reason I’m an actor. COME ON!
‘The Applebee’s right there?” She follows up.
“Yep.” Silence.
Soon enough, we have retured to the original Wawa and she parks next to the falcon.
“Thanks again. So much. God I just can’t wait to get home.” She says,
“It really was no problem. And you made it in one piece and you didn’t kidnap me for ransom. So everyone’s a winner.” She laughs again. It’s at this point that I have made up my mind. I’m not going to ask for her number. I probably never was. She might give it to me, but would she really want to? How would I start that phone conversation. You can always find a million reasons not to do something. And I usually do, and continue to find those reasons. So when she laughed at my relatively terrible joke, I tried to remember it. It’s great to make a gorgeous girl laugh. “Alright, have a good one.”
And I got out. I walked to my car, got in, and started the engine. Then it came back to me, I came to that Wawa for a lighter and had yet to buy one. I walked by her car again and went inside for a lighter.
The guy had recognized me from before and chuckled at the sight of me.
“Can I get a lighter?” I ask, and the guy full on laughs now.
“So you did all that and just needed a lighter?” He asked.
“Yeah, but I guess there’s worse ways to end a night.” I say after I pay. Then I nade the decision that this would be the time to go get her number. Just go back out there, knock on the car window and ask. That’s not weird right? John Cusack could pull that off in an 80’s movie. Why not this guy? With a head full of false bravado I walked out the door to find only my piece of shit car the falcon (can do the kessel run in 7 parsecs though) in the parking lot.
Destiny can only get you so far.
I do drugs, and when I get the munchies weird trips happen. These are their stories.
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